Change is never easy, but always healthy

where i live..i live in the downstairs of the green/blue house
Goldha: amateur roaster.
neighborhood kids
BUNS!
finally allowed to drive since i'm officially no longer a volunteer!!
uhh..we made a fire out of all my old paper. reduce, reuse, recycle?
roasting hot dogs..gotta love that smoky magazine, printer paper flavor
are we doing this right?
mi familia
farewell fiesta
awkward hug picture
i believe i missed
jay, being inferior to bunny
yeeea, not gonna happen buddy
get off me!
literally tickling him. best. defense. ever.
my boys
gabbing.
Grade 6
high on water balloon festivities

i too enjoy partaking in a good water balloon toss
De Strip..just your run of the mill gorgeous sunset
my neighbor's son tryin to hang with the big kids
my bed chamber
mi gyals

So right now I am sitting in a café that is completely flooded from the tropical storms. For over three days now the­­­­ entire island has been under the wrath of these relentless rainstorms. I think the dreariness of the weather has been taking its toll on my already somber mood, and I have been finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed and start my day with these heavy, grey skies looming outside. I guess I am just feeling ra­­­­ther confused and bewildered as to how exactly I feel regarding the end of my service. Of course, I am excited to get home and see my family and friends; of that I am sure. But beneath that excitement lurks anxiety over the unknown. My trips home over the past 2 years has been safeguarded by the reassuring knowledge of my eventual return back to my island. The happiness of being home was always amplified because I knew I only had a limited amount of time to be home. As much as I reveled in the joys of forgotten foods, friendships, and luxuries, I was always cognizant of the fact that soon the novelty over these pleasures, as well as the novelty of my presence, would soon wear away with the tarnishing of time.

I am not feeling as anxious over the next month as I am over years from now when I will have to feel the cementing of my detachment from this beautiful island. What relationships will remain intact? What is the gang violence going to be like years from now? Will the students that I worked with graduate high school? Will they remember me?

Surely my time here has caused irrevocable changes in my mind, heart, and soul. But while this island has managed to create a shift in my very being, I have, at the end of it all, not even caused a ripple in the fabric of St. Kitts. Peace Corps Volunteers are told a thousand times, “your service will bring more benefit to you than to those whom you are working for.” While this is a sad and frustrating reality for those of us who idealistically wanted to make a big difference during our short service, I think the personal rewards we gain from our service can still benefit the world in an even grander, more transcendental way. The lessons I have learned here, the failures I have persisted through, and the knowledge I have gained will be tools that I can use, and will never forget about, as I continue to try and make this world a better place. I learned more about how the world works during my two years here than I have ever learned in school, and as long as I am living, those lessons will be woven into the essence of every challenge with which I am faced.

One the most exciting accomplishments of my service was serving as the editor of our Peace Corps publication for the Eastern Caribbean, Serious Ting. The editor’s note that I inserted sums up quite well the conclusions I have drawn from my experience here. I have copied the letter below.

Thank you all for reading this blog and providing your support both directly and indirectly during my journey in St. Kitts. I wouldn’t have been able to take on this experience without having known such beautiful and inspiring people throughout my life.

Jah Bless!

Editor's Note

We’ve all heard it before. Maybe we’ve even been guilty of saying it ourselves: “I want to save the world.” I would be lying if I said I have never responded to the question of what I want to do with my life with such overzealous idealism and naive arrogance. But what does it mean to “save the world”, and why are these words, loaded as they are with presumption and self-righteousness, thrown around with such ease?

As Peace Corps volunteers, we enter our experience with varying pre-conceived notions of what kind of people we are, what we are capable of, and what we can expect from our service. Gradually, however, the calcified exterior that we have developed in our lives, the one that defines who we are, is chipped away by our experiences and challenges, and we find ourselves bare and vulnerable, exposing that soft, malleable core that lies quietly within us all. Those days when the heat is unbearable, nobody shows up to a meeting you have spent weeks meticulously planning, and a child stops you on the street for what you hope will be a cute and endearing exchange but ends up to be nothing but, “please fuh a dolla”, you are actually at the cusp of transformation, the brink of renewal. The anger, frustration, and exhaustion we feel are the hardening elements that catalyze your growth and ease you into your newly fortified armor. When we are at our weakest points we are unaware of the strength that is growing within us, and while it is difficult to see or feel the transformation while it is happening, it is quite possibly the only real and guaranteed byproduct of those challenges we face in the Peace Corps.

I think we can all agree that we have been humbled and maybe even shell-shocked by our experiences, especially in regards to the daunting and enigmatic task of “development”, whether it be community, youth, or NGO. When looking at the three goals of Peace Corps, sometimes we tend to see them as three separate entities rather than supplemental parts that build a stronger and more efficient entity. What I have learned from my experience is that you cannot achieve capacity building without giving a part of yourself and receiving something in return. The heart of Peace Corps is community engagement and integration because it is the lifeline behind our projects. We must become one with the people with whom we are working, as equally invested in the goals and desires as any other member. It is imperative to know our limits and recognize when we are being too much of an assertive force that will create a dependency on our presence, thus extinguishing any chances for sustainability when we leave. One of my dearest friends from EC 77 once told me during one of my lowest of lows, “You are not an agent of change, but a facilitator.” I feel that is something we may forget when we are struggling to find projects to include in our trimester reports or MST anecdotes. If change isn’t ready to happen, it’s best not to force it.

So, fellow PCV’s, remember you are not here to “save the world”, and when you humble yourself and expect nothing, fun and enjoyment will abound. And after all, does our whole world really need saving? Wherever our lives takes us we will see the good and the bad, but hopefully we can maintain an understanding that we are all inhabitants of the same Earth, and until we can work together as equals, we can never really get very far. To my fellow EC 78 volunteers, I wish nothing but the best for you as you step out of the life you have known for the past two years with a renewed understanding of who you are and what you are capable of. Best of luck to the current and incoming volunteers, and never forget to go slow, live in the moment, and laugh it off when it all gets to be too much.