More than halfway there!

Picture descriptions (These were mostly stolen from Kelsey because my camera is inoperative):
1. Titanic pose! yes, we proudly spent 20$ on this tacky souvenir. Pay note of the magnet with the late great Fuzzy's picture above it.
2. Pose again
3. Our lovely friend Albertus who was responsible for the prank below
4. On the night before Halloween we told Albertus we would be leaving the next day and we wanted him to make us a special towel animal for the occasion. He said he could do a big one but he didn't want to frighten us. We told him we love being scared and not to worry, so that night we came home kind of late and opened our door to find all the lights off but the TV on and THIS GUY sitting there staring at us. we both screamed and i quickly shut the door while kelsey ran screaming to the other end of the hall. We miss Albertus
5. Our bus ride in Dominica
6. A village in Dominica
7. A terrible view of St. Thomas in our bus on the way to K-Mart!
8. Drinking fresh Dominican water
9. Me and Kelsey at Trafalgar Falls
10. Trying not to fall in the falls
11. Me and Kelsey with a view of Roseau in the background
12. Walking to the not-so-close village to catch a bus
13. Dominica: The land of rivers
14. Trying to assess the situation

Two months since my last blog, and I unfortunately have very little to report on. I’ve been waiting to update this thing in hopes that something new will happen or I will have some exciting miracle at work that will send me rushing to my computer to report the good news. That is far from the case, and I’m going through a dismal pessimistic plateau of frustration, homesickness, and stagnation at work. At this time last year I was going through a similar period, but it was more connected to being in my own place and trying to figure out what I’m doing here, and this year the tiredness is a byproduct of a year of learning what it is really like to work here.
I love St. Kitts and I don’t want to portray the wrong idea when I sometimes go on a negative rant. I have to pick my words very carefully because I am speaking to people whose maybe only perception of St. Kitts stems from what I live to tell on this blog. The experience of a Peace Corps volunteer living in the countryside is a polar opposite to what a travel blog might tell. I recently went on a cruise with another volunteer, Kelsey, which was quite an experience. We wanted to find a way to travel to the different islands in an economical way. Flights to other islands can be as high as $250 US and we figured taking a cruise that cost $450 which included food and “entertainment” would be the best way to see the Eastern Caribbean. I have always hated the idea of cruises and while I had an amazing time with Kelsey and savored every minute of endless food, we found ourselves unable to get into the cruise life and mentality.
First of all, the idea of spending 8 hours in a country left us feeling unfulfilled, at best. I can now understand why people respond with “You’re so luck you’re going to get a two year vacation in the Caribbean” when I tell them I’m serving in St. Kitts. Most people disembark the ship and take a taxi straight to the beach or wherever they have planned their island excursion. Because Kelsey and I were on a bit of a budget, we had to use local transportation which does not take you to the gorgeous white sand beaches. In St. Thomas we took the local bus to K-Mart to stock up on cleaning supplies and toiletries because they’re incredibly expensive in St. Kitts. It was so humorous to share stories with our dinner table because they would tell us about the sea turtles, the snorkeling, and the sail boats, and we would tell them about the local bus system, how excited we were to see street lights, or the side streets in the capital city that sold fake leather booty-shorts. The couple we had dinner with every night, Dave and Jessica, were incredibly sweet and fun to hang out with, but our experiences were just so incredibly different, even though Kelsey and I were also on a vacation. One day in Antigua, Dave and Jessica decided to walk to the beach instead of taking a taxi. The trip was longer than expected, and they fond themselves in a local village much like where we live. They were so amazed to see that people live in shacks and there are goats, chickens, and cows wandering around uncontained. This was normalcy to us and I was so surprised that people don’t realize that outside of the resorts there is actual poverty in these places and local people don’t live in timeshares and drink daiquiris all day.
Dominica was by far my favorite island and I would love to travel back one day. It is so unique to the Caribbean and I found myself loving the change of scenery. Going on a trip to the Caribbean when you’ve been living in the Caribbean doesn’t really feel like traveling, so we were both very excited to be in a place that felt unfamiliar and new. Dominica is called the Nature Island, and with good reason. The mountains are so obstructing that they make you wonder what is on the other side. In St. Kitts we just have one tall peak and a few large hills which were dwarfed by the size of Dominica’s cascading mountains. We walked around the capital city of Roseau for a while and came across the Peace Corps office which was a home away from home. The woman working there told us how to catch a bus up to Trafalgar Falls. I was so amazed that a bus ride for one US dollar could take us to such a beautiful place, but it makes sense considering everywhere in Dominica is a natural oasis. After hanging out in the falls for a while Kelsey and I realized we should head back to catch a bus. On the way down the very steep hill, Kelsey fell in a way I can only describe as James Brown doing the splits, which necessitated a pause and several minutes of laughter. I saw out of my peripheral vision a bus driving off but figured there would be another one shortly. WRONG. A man standing close to where the bus left said we’d have to walk to the next village. “No problem!” we thought and decided to walk, taking our sweet time and admiring the scenery and one particularly defensive crab on the side of the road. After about 30 minutes and no village in sight I started feeling a little bit anxious, and then a taxi came by full of people from our ship and the taxi man asked if we were heading to the cruise ship. We told him yes but we were walking to catch a bus to which he laughed and sped off. That was catalyst that sent me into a panic.
We started speed-walking like grandparents exercising in the mall and after about 20 minutes we finally reached the village and were told a bus would be coming shortly. We sat at the local bar and had a local beer and enjoyed the local experience, but no bus came. Soon enough a taxi came with a couple who were also headed to the ship, and we got to catch the last leg of their tour as well as a free ride back to home base.
I have found that while I’ve been here I crave the things I cannot have, even if I truly don’t even want them. Excessive amounts of food, especially heavily processed food that I am not used to, leaves me feeling sick and depressed. Huge crowds of people make me tired and crabby so being in a place like the Plazas Las Americas in Puerto Rico, the largest shopping mall in the Caribbean, put me on the verge of a childish tantrum. Sometimes I encounter the panicky feeling of being stuck on a deserted island because so much in St. Kitts is brought in from the outside at incredibly expensive prices. It’s as if we’re entirely dependent on the outside and should crave that which we cannot immediately have or provide for ourselves. In reality, I have become comfortable without having 40 different restaurants to choose from or 10 different types of the same shirt. I can see why Kittitians will take vacations outside to buy what they need and return with packed suitcases to the safe haven that feels like home. We simply don’t need so many choices, places, and changes, and it only clutters and complicates our lives.
I was recently speaking with a friend, Melva, who works at Ottley’s Plantation Inn in my village, and she was telling me about her trip to Oklahoma to visit her daughter who is going to school. She said it was a very depressing trip and the only touristy things she did was see the Memorial for the Oklahoma City bombing and another memorial for a very large fire that had occurred some time ago. Then she told me her sister insisted they go to IHOP for breakfast so she apprehensively obliged. When they arrived she was met with longest line she had ever seen and asked her sister what on Earth everyone was waiting for? She thought it was a special occasion or maybe someone famous was there. Her sister just replied, “Oh, they’re just in line for breakfast. It’s always like that! IHOP is so popular.” This was something incredibly nonsensical and unusual to her. Why not just go to the store and buy eggs and cook them? I know how to cook eggs and I doubt the IHOP chef can do it any better! Why do we have to wait in a long line so someone else can cook us breakfast??
It seemed like such a normal idea to me, to wait in line at a restaurant to have someone serve you, but now I can fully understand the ridiculousness of that concept.
While I have harvested a home here and everything is becoming a normal part of my life, my current frustration is rooted in my work. Progress is moving slowly and there are new obstacles that I never could have anticipated. I am just now coming to terms with the fact that I am not going to move mountains here or make some palpable change in the lives of the people of St. Kitts, and it is quite ridiculous and self-righteous to assume so. We come here with this idea of “development”, but I don’t even know what that is or how to do it in an ethical and culturally preserving way. I feel so unnatural when I work here. I barely have a handle on the culture and I am still quite clearly an outsider. It takes at least two years to even feel comfortable here, let alone come up with ideas that can make the lives of people better. Who am I to change a place I’ve spent just a year in?
I am cherishing this experience as something that teaches me an invaluable lot of knowledge and prepares me for whatever path I will decide on in adulthood. Margo, our Country Director, was recently telling Kelsey and me about a forum she had for Peace Corps. There is a lot of criticism on what Peace Corps Volunteers actually do in their post and whether it is quantifiable or worth anything. Her perspective was focused not on what the volunteer does when they’re actually in their location, but rather the accomplishments returned volunteers achieve afterwards. I am not saying I’m going to be one of those people, but I think the value of the Peace Corps extends far beyond the two years we spend in our posts, and it is difficult even as a PCV to keep that in mind. Every day I have to reassure myself that even if my projects fail here, I will be confident that the two years were not spent in vain. If viable and sustainable change is going to happen, it needs to happen in an organic and natural fashion, not from a foreigner who has never heard of Ottleys Village in St. Kitts coming for two years, weakly assessing what they think the communities needs, and then implementing the solutions upon the locals. I’m finding it’s best to be a quiet, humble individual living with the locals rather than an assertive paternalistic “developer” telling people what’s best for them.

I will definitely blog as soon as things at work become more exciting. I hope everyone is doing well! Much love to everyone, I miss you all!

PaZ